H.O.P.E.

Helping Overcome and

   Provide Encouragement

Summer 2001

In 1962, Ches Hudel was 31 when her husband, Bill, and her nine-year-old son, Jimmy, died. That fateful day, Bill and Jimmy rose at 3 a.m., for a predawn fishing trip. They ate breakfast in a little cafe before driving off.   Their route took them over an unmarked railroad crossing. The train didn't whistle as it sped through a nearby town. It hit Bill's Chevy when he drove it across a grass- covered track he couldn't see. Today, Ches Hudel is in her 70s and looks back at her life over the last four decades. Her experience offers these important lessons and insights into bereavement.

Reality sinks in slowly. When Ms. Hudel saw the state troopers faces as they stood at her door, she knew Jimmy and Bill were dead. The troopers explained nothing was left of the car; little was left of Bill; and Jimmy was thrown across the track, where he landed in a ditch and had hardly a scratch. Ms. Hudel promptly told her three younger girls about the tragedy. In spite of knowing the details about the loss reality set in slowly. "There was immediate sadness, but I don't know if they (the girls) understood the permanence," she says. "I don't think I did."

She refused drug therapy. When her family physician promptly gave her tranquilizers to take, Ms. Hudel flushed them down the toilet preferring, wisely, to experience the pain of grief immediately.

Early weeks were a blur. Although much had to be done in the early weeks following the tragedy, Ms. Hudel experienced memory lapses. One day, she and her father went to the lawyer's office. Suddenly, she couldn't remember who was looking after her youngest daughter, Joanie. Rushing home, she and her father found Joanie asleep in her crib. No one else was in the house.

A new reality and life had to be created. "It's not just the loss of Bill, that husband, that father. Your plans are all thwarted. You have to regroup," she says. So she and her children began rebuilding their lives in these ways. The family became involved in the Christian Children's Fund, an organization which sponsors poor children. They picked out a brother. "He was a 6 year-old boy we could buy toys for. It was the beginning of something good." A year after their losses the family relocated from Baton Rouge, LA, to Dallas, TX, where they lived a block from her in-laws. The extended family support was important.

Religious faith was sustaining. She credits her faith in sustaining her after the accident and with keeping her going today. "As sad as it is, I'm in good hands. I never questioned why. It was so solid in my head. God is so gracious and gets you through whatever. I always knew as a child about this great God person." Because of her faith, Ms. Hudel conveys an optimism, kindness and spirit of hope to others

WHEN A YOUNG PARENT DIES

After a younger parent dies, the remaining parent faces an enormous task, that of grieving as well as meeting the demands of children. Phyllis Silverman, PhD, who has extensively studied child bereavement offers the following guidelines for families where a younger parent has died.

Children need:

• to have their grief legitimized
• to be able to learn in manageable segments so that they are not overwhelmed
• to learn a vocabulary that can help them describe and live with the changes in their lives
• to talk about who died, both positive and negative qualities
• to develop ways of honoring the dead and recognizing that their parent can be both present and absent in their lives
• to be included, in ways appropriate to their age and stage of development, in the family drama.

Parents need:

• to recognize they are dealing with change in their lives and in their very sense of self
• to learn new skills appropriate to their new role as a single parent
• to learn how to talk to their child(ren) about who died, the nature of the death, their common grief, and how they will build their new lives together.

DO WOMEN AND MEN GRIEVE THE SAME WAY?

One who has studied the issue of male and female grief is Kenneth Doka, PhD. Based on extensive study he notes that men are more likely to experience grief "cognitively and physically than emotionally." Thus, men may seek relief in activity or in thinking through and talking about the loss.

Women, on the other hand, are "intuitive" grievers. Their grief is experienced as waves of different feelings. Thus, women are likely to be helped by sharing or ventilating those feelings with others.

However, it is vital to note that not all men are instrumental grievers nor are all women intuitive grievers. "Grieving patterns are influenced by gender, not determined by them, " Dr. Doka notes.

GUIDELINES FOR MOVING THROUGH GRIEF

In her exceptional book, The Complete Eldercare Planner, author Joy Loverde offers these guidelines for moving through grief:

• Do not put a time restraint on your grieving period.
• Give yourself permission to cry and express deep feelings.
• Understand that grieving may be delayed due to settling the affairs of your elder's estate.
• Lacking an appetite or losing weight is normal.
• Periods of feeling helpless and despair are expected.
• Vivid dreams of the dead may occur. . Feelings of guilt, regret, and anger directed at the one who died, God, the doctor, and other family members are common.

Ms. Loverde also urges grievers to be aware of excessive behavior patterns which could include:

Poor self care: not eating properly or not exercising.

Isolating tendencies: Withdrawal, very limited contact with other people.

Severe or clinical depression: Recurring thoughts of suicide, nonstop crying, abusing alcohol or drugs.

WORTH THINKING ABOUT

 People withdraw from social contact when they feel down. But self-imposed isolation only accentuates the 'preoccupation with worries and bad feelings. Schedule a mid-morning coffee break with a coworker or neighbor. . . volunteer at a local hospital. . . or do something else-that brings you in contact with others.

- Michael D. Yapko, PhD.

H.O.P.E. is a newsletter created by Rev. Victor M. Parachin, M.Div., of Tulsa, OK.  It is made available on this web site through our membership with

Selected Independent Funeral Homes . It is our hope that anyone experiencing loss, or those helping others deal with loss, will find this information useful.