H.O.P.E.

Helping Overcome and

   Provide Encouragement

Winter 2004

As far back as the 17th century people were aware that our attitudes shape the quality of our living. John Milton (1608~1674) wrote: "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."   Here's an example of someone whose attitude - unbelievably - turned something good into something bad. The incident is told by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD in her book Kitchen Table Wisdom. Dr. Remen's father had a chronic negative attitude toward life. Then, in 1971, he won a prize in the New York State lottery. It was not a huge amount of money by today's lottery standards yet it was more money that he had ever seen in his life. He won $50,000.

At the time her father was in the hospital recovering from surgery. He taped his winning ticket to his chest; saying that no one could be trusted to redeem- not any family member, not any friend, not even his wife. The man was convinced that someone would keep his ticket, that it would be stolen from him, or that lottery officials would not record it honestly once it was handed over.

As the deadline to redeem the ticket came closer, he swore his wife and daughter to secrecy, declaring that people would try to take advantage of them if they knew about the winning ticket. Finally, he redeemed the ticket but never spent the money because he was afraid others would find out about his windfall.   Her father “could even turn winning fifty thousand dollars into a misfortune, a source of grief, anxiety, and stress,” Dr. Remen writes.

That story is a perfect example of John Milton's observation about the power of our attitude: "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."

With a new year beginning, this is an ideal time to do an attitude check and, where necessary, do an attitude adjustment. Ask yourself: "Do I see my cup as half empty or half full?"

If you conclude that your attitude needs changing here is a simple exercise for beginning that process. Whenever a negative thought appears, try substituting it with a positive one. The ancient yogic sages taught that we can recover our emotional balance by inviting peaceful, positive thoughts into our minds. So the next time you find yourself upset by fear or anxiety, notice the negative habit. Toss it out.

Use your creativity to develop a more positive outlook on your life and your world.

WORTH THINKING ABOUT

Attitudes are capable of making the same experience either pleasant or painful. - John Powell

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows but only empties today of its strength. - Charles Haddon Spurgeon

TIPS FOR MANAGING WHEN A PARTNER HAS DIED

The death of a partner or spouse is one of life' s major stresses. There will be feelings of loneliness, abandonment, fear, even despair. Here are seven suggestions for managing when a spouse or partner has died.

#1) If you must learn new duties, do so slowly. Learning to pay bills, doing laundry, cutting lawns etc., may be challenging especially when in the fragile emotional state of grieving. Learn to do new tasks slowly. Don't pressure yourself too much. Ask for help when necessary.

#2) Accept the feelings connected to your loss. Whether you were together five months, five years or fifty years, the pain of loss is always intense. The loss of your spouse means the loss of your future life together. This loss can trigger feelings of anger, frustration, guilt, regret, depression, and hopelessness. Understand that these are normal feelings at this time: you are not a weak or unstable person for possessing these emotions.

#3) Review your finances. Be sure to update financial documents: checking and savings accounts; stock certificates, mortgage, car titles, insurance, charge accounts etc. Consulting with a reputable financial advisor can be very helpful.

#4) Find the best way to get good sleep. Sleeping alone may be quite disturbing. Also, one of the impacts of grieving is sleep disorder. Consult with your doctor about steps you can take to ensure a good night's sleep.

#5) Take your time in disposing o/your partner's belongings. One man was horrified to discover that his children gave away all of his wife's clothing one evening while he was away. "They meant well but there were some items I really want to hold on to." Let people know you will dispose of your partner's belongings when you are ready.

#6) Be prepared for relationship shifts. Some former friends may distance themselves from you because they are a 'couple' and you are now 'single.' As a widow or widower, you are forced to reshape your life. This may mean making new friends as old ones fade away.

#7) Avoid becoming highly negative. People who become bitter, angry, cynical, negative are hard to be around. Be careful not to become overly negative or you may find yourself driving people away.

#8) Commit to your own grief recovery. This can take the form of attending grief support groups, reading books and articles on bereavement, and speaking with your spiritual leader to seek direction and comfort. Do whatever you need to facilitate your grief recovery.

NATURE IS A NATURAL HEALER OF EMOTIONS

The next time you're feeling anxious, sad or depressed, let nature provide nurture. Increasing studies demonstrate that even minimal contact with nature relieves anxiety, stress, depression, and aids emotional healing. A study done by Roger Ulrich and colleagues at Texas A & M University made three fascinating discoveries:

1) People who drove along scenic roads recovered more quickly from stressful driving conditions than those who saw billboards, buildings and parking lots;

2) Drivers who took the scenic route responded more calmly to stressful situations later on;

3) Recovering gall bladder surgery patients who saw trees from their hospital beds needed fewer painkillers and had shorter hospital stays than those who looked out on brick walls. So, with all the efforts people make to relieve depression, the key may be as simple as a houseplant, a garden or a stroll through a park. Nature does nurture the human emotional system.

H.O.P.E. is a newsletter created by Rev. Victor M. Parachin, M.Div., of Tulsa, OK.  It is made available on this web site through our membership with

Selected Independent Funeral Homes. It is our hope that anyone experiencing loss, or those helping others deal with loss, will find this information useful.