H.O.P.E.

Helping Overcome and

   Provide Encouragement

Summer 1998

Early one morning in June 1993, David Gelernter, Ph.D., walked into his office at Yale University after a vacation with his wife and two young sons. Sorting through the stack of accumulated mail on his desk, Gelernter opened a book-sized package and recalls seeing white smoke billow out and, a moment later, a terrific flash.

That morning David Gelernter became the Unabomber's 23rd victim. The bomb blast drove shrapnel through steel file cabinets and started a fire. Gelernter's right hand was badly mangled and his right eye severely damaged. His left hand was intact but broken. In addition, there were wounds to his chest and right leg. After several surgeries and weeks of recuperation, Gelernter returned to work.

On the campus, Gelernter discovered his graduate students had set up a new office.   The crew of students had salvaged whatever was not burned up. They lugged the whole lot to the new office and put every book and journal on a shelf. Each book was organized by topic, the journals chronologically and every notebook and loose paper in a box, meticulously labeled.

"The whole place was dazzling," Gelernter recalls. "No office of mine had ever been a tenth as neat or would ever be again. I am no sentimentalist, but the point is too important to pass over: if you insert into this weird slot machine of modern life one evil act, a thousand acts of kindness will tumble out."

The magnificent action of his graduate students caused Gelernter's spirits to soar and hope began to replace his frustration and anger.

The truth is that our wounds heal more quickly when friends act. Likewise, our problems, which appear dark and ominous, become lighter and more manageable when a friend reaches out. That is why, when a loved one dies, we have a funeral visitation. Although grievers suffer a harsh blow, the time of visitation is a solid reminder that they are not left without other forms of love, support and friendship.

Today, as you manage your grief, be open to others who extend a helping hand. If someone invites you to an event and you don't feel like going, reconsider your position. If someone suggest you join them by attending a grief support group and you don't feel like it, reconsider that position. Gently push yourself to be with people who wan to help you recover. 

TEN TIPS FOR MANAGING GRIEF

"I held up just fine during the visitation and funeral service," says Mark, 43, whose wife died after a valiant struggle with cancer. "However, once the funeral was over, I went into a confusing daze and wondered where do I go from here?"  Mark's dilemma is a common one for those who have lost a loved one.  Here are ten tips for better management of grief.

1) Find caring people.

Establish a support network of family, friends, neighbors, colleagues and strangers in a self-help group. Such a network can give support and help you re-establish yourself.

2) Give it time.

Everyone reacts differently to a loss. It is hard to estimate a 'normal' grieving period.   Expect that recovery and adjustment will take longer than you think.

3) Understanding grief.

Read all you can about bereavement. That will help you know what to expect and will help you be more patient with yourself.

4) Embrace change.

Accept the fact that the details of your life will and must change. Choose to move forward and recognize that things will be different now.

5) Reach out for help.

Be brave enough to accept the help of others. Don't be stoical. Don't go it alone.   Don't pretend nothing is wrong. Don't be reluctant to "burden" a friend with your sorrow. Actually, friends usually welcome the opportunity to provide a listening ear or run an errand for you because it makes them feel less helpless.

6) Keep in touch with your physician.

Your doctor can help you deal with the physical side-effects of grieving such as sleep disturbance or eating problems.

7) Accept the inevitable.

Some things just don't make sense, they just happen. Accept the enigma of life and this can prevent much bitterness and emotional torment.

8) Delay making major changes.

Unless absolutely necessary, don't move, quit your job, make new investments, sell off parts of the estate, etc. Wait at least six months (one year is even better). By then you will have better perspective on what needs to be changed.

9) Pamper yourself.

Allow yourself to feel a little sorry for yourself on occasion or to sleep a little longer than you might normally. Both your body and mind are in the process of healing and need to be pampered periodically.

10) Cultivate seeds of hope.

From time to time, examine your life and cultivate seeds of hope in your life. Try reminding yourself that you have overcome other crises and will overcome this one as well. Tell yourself that you have been created to heal and that you will, indeed, heal from the deep wound of grief.

CONCERN:   'IS DAD DATING TOO SOON?'

Writing Ann Landers, a woman expresses her concern over her recently widowed father. Her parents were married for 30 years. Four years earlier, the mother became ill. Although the woman received good medical care and her husband provided "loving, attentive caring", she succumbed to complications from her illness. "Only six months after my mother died, Dad started dating a woman," the daughter writes. "I know Dad is much happier now but I just don't understand how he can forget Mother so quickly."

Ann Landers offered this wisdom to the daughter: "You sound like a devoted daughter who is still grieving, and   I can understand your sadness. I would hope, however, that you might be pleased that your father has a chance to find happiness again."

"This new relationship does not mean that your father has forgotten your mother. It simply means he has decided to make a new life for himself. You and your siblings should view this as a blessing and do your best to be supportive."

SIX EASY STEPS FOR A BETTER NIGHTS SLEEP

Sleep disturbance strikes many who have suffered a loss to death. Here are six easy steps which can help you get a better night's sleep.

1)   Exercise regularly but finish it before dinner time.

2)   Avoid caffeine (coffee, sodas, tea) in the evening.

3)   Make your bedroom comfortable. Eliminate disturbing sounds or lights and keep your room temperature comfortable.

4)   Take a warm bath one or two hours before retiring.

5)   Do a gentle relaxation exercise such as visualizing a peaceful scene in your mind.

6)   Make the last hour before bedtime serene, such as reading from an inspiring book or a few chapters in a novel.

H.O.P.E. is a newsletter created by Rev. Victor M. Parachin, M.Div., of Tulsa, OK.  It is made available on this web site through our membership with

Selected Independent Funeral Homes . It is our hope that anyone experiencing loss, or those helping others deal with loss, will find this information useful.