H.O.P.E.

Helping Overcome and

   Provide Encouragement

Spring 2000

Before discovering a new continent, Christopher Columbus sailed for sixty nine days toward an uncertain destination.'

Struggling against terrible storms through uncharted waters, dealing with a rebellious and increasingly frightened crew, Columbus sailed on day after day. A brief journal entry he wrote on one of those days is significant: This day we just sailed on.

That day there was no identifiable progress to record. There was no land sighting, so he could report they had reached this place or that. There was no odometer to inform him how far he had traveled. Nor was there a map to indicate how much longer the journey would take.

So, Columbus did the only thing that could be done: This day we just sailed on.

The process of grieving is a journey just like that. The movement toward the goal of relief and recovery is filled with uncertainty, fear and confusion.   Although the trip has started, it is hard to know if we are in the beginning, the middle, or near the end of our trip.

In such moments all of us can take a cue from Christopher Columbus and write, This day I just sailed on.

During those days when you are feeling discouraged and when progress is hard to measure, simply say to yourself: This day I just sailed on.

And, like Columbus, you will reach your destination safely!

TALKING ABOUT LOSS HELPS THE BEREAVED

Advice columnist received a letter from a grieving mother who was upset that family and friends would not allow her to speak about the untimely death of her son. "A while back, my l8-year-old son was killed in a car accident. I was devastated and desperately needed to talk about it," she explained. "Several women in our social group used the occasion of my sons' death to tell me about THEIR tragic losses when they visited me. I did not want to hear about their losses. I wanted comfort for my own, " she stated. Whenever she tried to talk about her precious son, the mother was met by embarrassed silence. "I never felt so alone in my life," she wrote;'

The mother concluded her letter with this plea for an those who want to help someone grieving a loss: "When someone loses a loved one, it is important to keep that person's memory alive. Talking about him or her is one way to do that. It does not hurt me to have someone mention my son or talk about the adventures he had with his friends, the pranks he pulled in school, or the cute things he did as a child. What hurts is NOT hearing his name. I do not want him to be forgotten."

REMAINING AVAILABLE TO THE BEREAVED

IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF THEIR HEALING

"In my support group, we have discovered that often during the weeks following the first-year anniversary of the death, a deep valley seems to open for the bereaved," says Charlotte Maluski, cofounder and assistant director of The Samaritan Ministry, an organization which helps churches set up a ministry to the bereaved. As a result, she urges those who want to help grievers to be patient and remain available many months after the death.

"Many bereaved think that a year is a logical length of time to grieve. After an, we have faced all the holidays and special days that we shared with our loved one. But the grieving probably is not over yet, and that is disheartening. It is very comforting during this time to have someone who is there to listen and to have empathy when others have drifted away," she says. "Being available and listening, being patient and understanding that the grieving process may take a very long time - as simple as these may sound - are so important."

Maluski notes that with the passing of months, many other family members and friends begin reducing their support so she urges caregivers to fill in the void. "You cannot replace the loss or take away the pain, but your support, your ability to listen, your presence, make the pain easier to bear. Without faith and support from people like you, life for those who are grieving would be unbearable."

EXERCISE EASES THE PAIN OF BEREAVEMENT

 One of the early impacts of grief is depression. Regular exercise lifts depression just as well as prescription antidepressants, according to a new study published in the Archives of Internal Medicine. For that study researchers split 156 men and women with major depressive disorder into three groups. One group exercised aerobically for 40 minutes three times a week. Another group took a prescription

antidepressant. A third group both exercised and took medicine. After 16 weeks, all groups made significant improvement. While those who took medication had a faster initial response, exercise soothed depressive symptoms just as effectively in the long run.

YOUNG PEOPLE BENEFIT FROM SUPPORT GROUPS

Like adults who experience the death of a loved one, children and young people can benefit greatly by joining in a grief support group. Fortunately today most communities sponsor bereavement support groups just for children and young people. Here are statements from young people explaining how a support group helped them during their journey through grief:

I don't feel embarrassed to cry here.

I can express my anger and pain without someone telling me I shouldn't feel that way.

I don't feel so alone any longer.

People reach out to me and I can reach out to others who join the group.

Being in a group has shown me that other kids have survived a loss and now I feel as though I will survive also.

I have learned to be more patient with myself as I heal from grief

I discovered I'm really not crazy.

I learned my feelings matter and are important.

Other people care and understand what I'm going through.

WORTH THINKING ABOUT

It is impossible to live without experiencing grief Life and grief go hand-in-hand. They are entwined in the intricate web of human existence. We are involved constantly in the flow of change, and change is often connected with loss. Loss requires readjustment to a new set of beliefs, values, circumstances or concept of self. The process of grieving is the way that we release the old ways of thinking and being, and make room for the new ones. It is the way we heal after a loss.

-Nancy O'Conner in Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process

H.O.P.E. is a newsletter created by Rev. Victor M. Parachin, M.Div., of Tulsa, OK.  It is made available on this web site through our membership with

Selected Independent Funeral Homes . It is our hope that anyone experiencing loss, or those helping others deal with loss, will find this information useful.