H.O.P.E.

Helping Overcome and

   Provide Encouragement

Spring 1998

As a new year emerges, here is a healing insight to think about frequently.   A high school boy tells of his emotional trauma when his parents divorced.   The boy's struggle to cope and adjust to his loss was evident to concerned teachers. One day, his physics teacher took the youth outside for a walk.

His teacher pointed out a tree. When the tree was young, he told the youth, a lightning strike had cut it in two. Since then, a scar had covered the spot and new branches had grown in other places. "You are like that tree," the teacher kindly explained. "You've had a major loss, and you'll always have the scars to prove it. But this won't stop you.   You'll heal and continue to grow in new and different ways."

Those words of wisdom were a source of great encouragement for the youth. During   this year, apply to yourself the teacher's insight be saying: "I've had a major loss and I'll always have the scars to prove it.   But this won't stop me.   I'll heal and continue to grow in new and different ways."

“IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER . . .”

The following was expressed to an interviewer by an eighty-five year-old woman living in the hill country of Kentucky:

If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time.   I would relax.   I would be sillier than I have been this trip.   I know of very few things I would take seriously.   I would be less hygienic. I would take more chances.   I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets.   I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans. I would have more actual problems and fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I am one of those people who live seriously and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.   Oh, I have had my moments, and if I had to it to do over again, I'd have more of them.   In fact, I'd have nothing else.   Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day.   I have been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat, and a parachute.

If I had it to do over again, I would travel lighter.   I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later into the fall.   I would ride more merry-go-rounds.    I'd pick more daisies.

WHAT IS MOST HELPFUL FOR THE GRIEVING?

Here are some of the most constructive ways to help those who are hurting. These insights come from interviews conducted with cancer patients.   A report by psychologists Gayle Dakof and Shelley Taylor at University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) asked 55 cancer patients what they perceived as helpful support. All expressed this common theme:   just plain love, emotional support, and calm concern.

These were demonstrated through acts of service such as coming along for a doctor's appointment, providing transportation to and from treatments and other kinds of practical aid. "Just being there" turned out to be the strongest supportive factor.   Although these insights come from cancer patients, "just being there" is applicable for the grieving as well.

DR. RUTH WESTHEIMER'S INSIGHTS

ON THE LOSS OF HER HUSBAND

Dr. Ruth Westheimer, a best-selling author and television personality, recently lost her husband Fred.   Dr. Ruth, as she is popularly known, recently talked about her life after Fred.   They had a very happy life together for 36 years.   Here are some of Dr. Ruth's observations about widowhood.

Expect your friendships to change.   Dr. Ruth found that, except for some of her closest friends, she received fewer invitations to social functions after Fred died.    She also found it "very painful" to only go out with couples.   "I think that people (widows and widowers) have to realize that for certain activities, they have to find some new people to do them with."

Attending family celebrations can be happy occasions. When Fred's favorite cousin celebrated his 70th birthday party, Dr. Ruth chose to attend. "I did not say, 'No, it's too painful to go because Fred isn't there,' because I like Fred's cousins very much.   And sitting there and talking, I thought Fred really would have enjoyed this party."   Dr. Ruth finds that such thoughts keep the feeling of companionship from her long marriage alive a little longer.

Don't fight memories of a loved one. "I mention Fred a lot," Dr. Ruth says. She talks about him whenever some- thing about Fred comes up. "Nobody should fight a memory, even if it is painful, even if it is a memory about a fight."

It is important that the grandchildren talk about Fred. Dr. Ruth advises people to be sensitive to the needs of grandchildren. They grieve in their own way. "I want my grandchildren to talk about him. I encourage it but not all day long as it's not their life."

Support from family and friends is invaluable. "Having my daughter and her husband, my son and his wife and my two grandchildren around me was the most comforting feeling of all," she says. Also, the support of relatives and friends as well as the larger circle of acquaintances was important. "I got hundreds of letters. They were comforting because you know they are people who feel my loss with me."

THE IMPORTANCE OF FIGHTING FOR GRIEF RECOVERY

The loss of a loved one to death is one of life's greatest, and most painful, challenges. Yet, rather than give up in despair, you must fight for your recovery. Consider this inspiring example . . .

Candace Bracken's future seemed filled with promise.   She just had a new baby and a new job.   Then, she began hemorrhaging uncontrollably.   Acute leukemia was diagnosed and physicians said she had two weeks left to live.   With the initial shock came a wave of anger:   "I had taken care of myself, lived a straight and narrow life," said the Miami, FL resident.   "Things like this weren't supposed to happen to people like me."

Such a harsh diagnosis caused Bracken to withdraw. "I just gave up," she says.    When a doctor told her she needed to arrange for someone to care for her daughter, Bracken snapped back: "How dare you tell me to find someone else to raise my child!"   Her anger, formerly crippling, now sparked her. It empowered Bracken to get her through a harrowing, but ultimately successful, bone-marrow transplant.

The lesson for the grieving:  fight for your recovery from grief because . . . a child needs you; your deceased loved one would want you to carry on; you have a unique role on this planet and someone will be blessed by your life.

H.O.P.E. is a newsletter created by Rev. Victor M. Parachin, M.Div., of Tulsa, OK.  It is made available on this web site through our membership with

Selected Independent Funeral Homes . It is our hope that anyone experiencing loss, or those helping others deal with loss, will find this information useful.