H.O.P.E.

Helping Overcome and

   Provide Encouragement

Fall 2002

Here is a story which is useful for making the journey through grief. . .

Several friends were discussing their philosophies of life. Each one took a turn quoting a saying which meant most to them. When it came his turn, a man who was known for his wisdom and spiritual commitment said his favorite saying was from the bible - "And it came to pass."

His friends expressed surprise he had not picked a more famous saying such as "Love your neighbor as yourself." To their response, the man offered this explanation:

"This is what I try to remember whenever life gets me down. Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment that I forget that things come and go, and that we've got to take the bad with the good and find the faith to keep going. That phrase is like a window that shows me there is life beyond my momentary problems, even though they feel like a prison. It helps me keep my head up and my spirit strong - there's a path out there and it's my job to find it."

FOUR SIMPLE STEPS TO HELP YOURSELF

GET THROUGH BEREAVEMENT

In her book, The Grieving Teen: A Guide For Teenagers and Their Friends, author Helen Fitzgerald offers these four tips for getting through grief. Even though her book is directed to teenagers, her wisdom applies to anyone dealing with loss.

1. TALK about the experience to anyone who will listen. Every time you go over what happened to you, the less powerful will be its grip on you.

2. LEARN TO RELAX. Every day, do something, within reason, for yourself. Pamper yourself. Learn to meditate, lose yourself in some music, take walks, and visit a peaceful place like a park, church, or library.

3. TAKE CARE OF YOUR PHYSICAL NEEDS. Eat healthy foods, keep up with your exercise program, and get enough rest.

4. STAY INVOLVED with your family, friends, and school. Keep on schedule and stick to old routines as well as you can.

WORTH THINKING ABOUT

Many people find it helps to say (or think) 'Help' when they are afraid, upset, befuddled, confused, scared, or overwhelmed. Like a big yell to the universe, 'Help' calls forth powers around and within. 'Help me find strength. Give me energy. Give me courage. Help me through. Guide me. Be with me.' Call it prayer, call it what you like, but by saying 'Help' and acknowledging our distress, we open ourselves to the vast powers of the universe as well as our own wisdom.

•  Charlotte Davis Kasl, PhD.

HOW TO HAVE A HEALING CONVERSATION

"The absolute best thing you can do for someone in pain, when you can't make the pain go away and neither can they, is just to listen."

That advice comes from Nance Guilmartin, author of Healing Conversations: What To Say When You Don't Know What To Say. Ms. Gui1martin says the art of compassionate conversation can be summed up in these nine tips:

Listen.   Hear with your eyes, your heart and finally, your ears.

Pause.   Resist the temptation to fix, advise or react. Listen carefully and pause before jumping in with an "answer”.

Be a friend, not a hero.   Don't try to "rescue" or rush their pain away.

Offer comfort.   A simple "I am sorry" is sufficient.

Acknowledge your own feelings.   Hiding your feelings makes it harder for people in pain to share theirs.

Be there over the long haul.   Healing takes time, patience and the ability to endure.

Show up even when it's awkward.   People don't need you to be perfect - just to care.

Take the initiative.   Suggest ways you can help; asking for and accepting help isn't always easy.

Be compassionate.   Try to remember your story is not the same as theirs. It's almost impossible to truly know how people feel.

FOUR 'COMMANDMENTS' TO EASE LONELINESS

In her book, Positive Plus, psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers offers these four 'commandments' to ease loneliness.

#1) Join something.   A bridge club, the local conservation groups, the historical society, a church organization, a women's quilting group, an exercise class, etc.

#2) Learn something.   Take a course. An adult education course in computers, art appreciations, watercolor painting, astronomy, Chinese, etc. Pick a subject that interests you and learn more about it.

#3) Help with something.   There is so much that needs to be done in this world. Volunteers are needed in literally hundreds of areas. You can help with such services as Meals on Wheels, driving the disabled to medical appointments . . .

#4) Go someplace.   A change of environment may be the most rewarding and stimulating single thing you can do for yourself. The American Association for Retired People offers hundreds of short and inexpensive trips that combine travel with education. Even a day away gives you a fresh perspective on life.

Dr. Brothers stresses that engaging in at least two of these four 'commandments' produces the best results. "As you pursue whichever ones you have chosen . . your mental clock will start spinning backward, with all the stimulation you are giving those little gray cells. You will not only be living young, but thinking and acting young."

DON'T RUSH THE GRIEF PROCESS

Take all the time you need to cry, to grieve, to heal. Don't make any major decisions about your lifestyle or your home until you're ready or until your financial situations require that you do so. Decisions influenced by emotional turmoil rarely turn out well. For minor decisions, trust your instincts. If you don't feel ready to clean out your spouse's possessions and clothing, don't do it. Many widowed people I've known didn't clean out closets until a year or more after the death of their spouse. Others did it in stages, parting with things as they felt ready. No particular timetable is "right".   Feel free, too, to keep whatever is comforting you. I slept with John's shirt for months after he died. I still have some of his things and doubt that I'll ever part with them,

except perhaps to give them to our son.

- Amy L. Florian

H.O.P.E. is a newsletter created by Rev. Victor M. Parachin, M.Div., of Tulsa, OK.  It is made available on this web site through our membership with

Selected Independent Funeral Homes . It is our hope that anyone experiencing loss, or those helping others deal with loss, will find this information useful.