H.O.P.E.

Helping Overcome and

   Provide Encouragement

Fall 1997

Thank you for taking the time to examine this, the first H.O.P.E. Newsletter.   We “hope” it will be a way to continue to support you, understanding that the grief process does not end with the funeral.   As a matter of fact, it is often just the beginning.

One of the reasons I think this newsletter can be so helpful is it provides information about an area, as a culture, we know very little about---grief!

Because we tend to be uninformed about grief, we are often not prepared for what we are going through.   We question how “normal” we are.   Are we going crazy?   A survey was taken of widows and the average time reported “to get back to normal” was two years.   Another survey was taken in a mall where they randomly asked shoppers how long it takes to recover from the loss of a close loved one.   The average response was 2 weeks !   Amazing!   So many people not understanding a process we all will face sooner or later.

Our closest friends and sometimes family don't understand.   They don't want to see us hurt, so they don't mention our loved one's name.   Sometimes they avoid us.   They tell us to stay busy.   They say don't cry.   If you don't cry, people brag on how well your doing.   We get messages in many ways--don't grieve.

Maybe this newsletter will remind us to take time to grieve. It will tell stories about how other people are coping with their losses.   It will give encouragement.   It will give valuable information.   Everybody grieves differently but if we don't go through the grief we can easily stay stuck in trying not to grieve.   It is not an easy process either way but through it is better than stuck in it.

SURVIVOR OR VICTIM?

Today, ask yourself: “Am I a Survivor or a Victim?”

One way to determine the answer to that question is in the sentences we use to describe our situation.   Victims resort to the language of loss and limitation: “I'll never get over this.”   “My life will always be empty.”   “I don't see any hope.”   Survivors use growth sentences such as these . . .

I am discovering new strengths I never knew I possessed.

I am learning to take good care of myself.

I am acquiring new, important skills.

I am coping with adversity and trauma.

I accept change as a challenge.

I am managing the emotional chaos I feel.

I am broadening my awareness of compassion and kindness.

As you work your way through your own unique grief, remember the words you use to describe your situation can make a difference in your recovery.   Words do more than simply describe your feelings; they shape our thoughts and actions.

Victims use language which is confining, limiting and leads nowhere.

Survivors use language that opens doors to fresh opportunity and new growth.

Here is some wisdom from John Schneider, a psychologist at Michigan State University: The first and necessary step of grief is discovering what you have lost.  The next step is discovering what is left, what is possible.

A SIMPLE WAY TO EASE DEPRESSION

A brisk walk around the block can have a dramatic mood payoff says Robert Thayer, Ph.D., professor of psychology at California State University at Long Beach.   In a study of 300 people he found that even a 10-minute walk is an effective way to dispel a bad mood, ease feelings of depression, and become more mentally and physically alert.

Thus, Dr. Thayer recommends that people consciously add brief periods of activity to their daily routines by taking brief, brisk walks.

BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF AS YOU GRIEVE

That advice comes from Dr. Robert DiGuilio, author of several books including Beyond Widowhood .   Dr. DiGuilio eloquently reminds grievers to be patient as they move through their bereavement: “Grieving has many stages, which might include shock, numbness, denial, depression, confusion, fear, anger, bitterness, guilt, regret, acceptance, hope.”   These stages may come in any order, any number of times.   Give yourself time to move through grief at your own pace and in your own individual way.

“You may feel overwhelmed as you try to adjust to the day-to-day changes that the loss of a loved one can bring.   My wife's death thrust me into new, awkward roles and responsibilities.   I tried not to expect too much of myself too soon, just to start with the small tasks first, to be patient with myself and my mistakes.   I discovered that the routine tasks of maintaining my job and family helped me restore in my life that familiar structure which the chaos of grief threatened to destroy.”

NO EASY WORDS: COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A CHILD

Catherine M. Sanders, a psychologist who specializes in grief issues and the author of The Mourning After , says that grief over the loss of a child is often more intense than any other loss.   Dr. Sanders observes that parents who lose a child go through the following phases of grief:

Shock which may last a year or longer.   It is a state of confusion, disbelief, paralysis and emotional alarm.

Awareness of loss follows shock and is a time of intense emotions including anger, guilt, frustration, shame and a lasting emptiness.

Conservation/withdrawal is necessary after the long emotional drain of the awareness phase.   At this point parents turn inward to face the loss and also conserve some of the physical and emotional energy formerly spent.

Healing is a turning point when parents detach themselves from the loss and seek meaning in the death as well as other ways of letting go.

Renewal comes only after long periods in the other phases of grief and is like rebirth in the lives of parents.   While life will not return to the way it was before, it can take on a renewed stability.

While it is impossible to predict how long it will take for each parent to complete the intense grieving over the loss of a child, hope does return as despair and depression ease.

Factors in grief adjustment and recovery include: the nature of the relationship between parent and child, how much support is received from friends, and how willing the parent is to share his or her pain with others.

H.O.P.E. is a newsletter created by Rev. Victor M. Parachin, M.Div., of Tulsa, OK.  It is made available on this web site through our membership with

Selected Independent Funeral Homes . It is our hope that anyone experiencing loss, or those helping others deal with loss, will find this information useful.